February 18th, 2019
I knew this month I would have some sort of breakthrough in my heart space. Two weeks ago I was reflecting on where I may be still holding the patterns of my family and it hit me I was still doing inner work around holding the space of the women on my mother’s side of the family, still.
I was sensing that I was in the last layer of these aspects of my feminine heart space, I was about to pull the plug.
This is a clip of my story.
My grandfather is dying. I am grieving but not in the way you may think as a loved one is passing. I am being relieved from the space I have been holding.
When I trace back in time in my heart space with him it is just cold, heavy, it aches and my fragile inner child has been trapped and projected onto by the impressions of the people his actions have affected.
I took on the pain of others. I absorbed their stories into my body as my own. I took on the forms of the women in my family, as my own. The shadows of hiding because well, there could be repercussions if you did not in some way obey and submit, a lingering “hush-hush” always filled the room.
He was an alcoholic, abusive in many ways and I grew up walking on eggshells. I, the second generation to feel the aftershocks of abuse and the heaviness in the air. Being an empath I absorbed the pain of my family not being able to express their true feelings and learned to hide. I became the observer and was used to buffer the pinpricks in the air.
Now, I don’t harbor any resentment or animosity toward him, toward any participant in my soul family. I love him and respect him and he is allowing me to break open from holding this pain in my heart. I am experiencing the delicate spaces of the energy in the heart space unwind and learning more of the effects of how we react to the pains in life and absorb the silent projections from others.
I learned to “hush-hush”, I learned to please and I learned to be submissive at a young age because of the tyranny, but those aren’t my blueprints. I learned of the stories about family (which are not mine to tell) but it shaped my view in my teen years to be an angry young woman as family dynamics shaped my lenses to uphold justice and act out against domestic violence.
We stopped engaging with my grandparents after a family episode when I was 12 years old and my parents made the strong decision to sever family ties and break cycles. It ripped my heart in half at that age and I blamed him for his actions and felt betrayed he would continue his behaviors. I closed my heart, simply because I could not express my pain and angst at that time in my life.
Five years later I made the brave decision to assist my grandmother in leaving him. We packed and drove west during a cold, snowy December evening, I knew it was my karmic duty at a young age to help in the healing of a fellow woman as I saw her as such. A woman, a rose longing to bloom and
He forgave me eventually, years later as I confessed I was the one who did it. I was the one. I did it.
I was in massage school and he was recovering from surgery and I was performing clinical medical massage therapy and he was my client. The universe paired us up during this time in our lives. He cried and his heart began to heal and he allowed me to help soften him too. We were able to make amends unexpectedly years ago.
He held me last night in his hospital bed. And the tenderness hurt and stung me. I received the love and the softness where I learned to harden against his presence. He looked into my eyes as I was rubbing his belly to comfort him and he said, “You made my day, honey.” I soaked it in, all of it as I was observing the patterns of those around me shove down their feelings and a silent, “hush-hush” lingering in the air, a pattern to keep breaking.
But I can’t “hush-hush” anymore. He loves me and loved me, so much. He always treated me a little softer, I don’t know why, but I will honor it and I can take it in that the man who hurt my tender little heart is also healing my heart.
I am allowing myself to feel.
I feel it all, I feel the memories of my inner child crying out and the heartaches. I feel the memories of my family and how they too are still holding themselves captive and I feel my own very sacred release and break in my energy field where I remember another layer of my completion, I am whole.
His passing is healing me.
I can let it rest now, holding the space between us all, the ways I choose to take this on unknowingly as a child and allowed the self-initiated responsibility to continue. I am unwinding, letting it break. Letting it break open to set these aspects of what has been hiding, free.
We hold space for one another in our families whether we realize it or not. When he leaves I know my heart energetically will burst open in a way I have been waiting to experience and take a flight of its own. His release is acting as a vacuum between this soul family and lifting the heaviness we have been carrying in silence. This is surrender; letting it break.
To you my “ornery old man”, (his words not mine). Thank you. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the last savory bit of love you showed me. Who knew a gaze in the eyes and an arm around the waist could make it all ok.
With love and understanding, may you rest.